Can you please respect my boundaries!!
Since embarking on this journey of self-discovery… the subject of boundaries has come up a lot!
I find this a fascinating subject because boundaries have become another one of those buzzwords, along with the likes of mindfulness, and self-love - it’s all very well saying we need this stuff, but how many of us really know what it all means? Or how to apply those concepts to our lives?
In this blog I am going to take a look at BOUNDARIES – explore what they are, and aren’t, why we need them and look at how to set healthy ones.
I will start by saying, setting healthy boundaries are not about controlling other people – we cannot control anyone else. Having healthy boundaries is about knowing who we are and want we want and need and if need be, communicating this to others.
Why we need healthy boundaries
From the moment we are born, we bend and mould ourselves to make others comfortable. We work out how to please people, not get into trouble, and how to behave in various settings.
As women, we learn to put other people’s needs before our own, and then we grow up and wonder why we find it difficult to set boundaries or get taken advantage of? It can take years, and perhaps many unhappy relationships and friendships before we discover our own lack of boundaries is causing us problems.
So firstly, what are boundaries?
Like most things in life, boundaries are not one size fits all - they are on a spectrum. Some are IMPLICIT, for example, I expect to walk down a street without getting my bum slapped. These could be culturally shared boundaries that we all pretty much agree on.
The more confusing areas and the ones most of us can do with a little help with are the EXPLICIT boundaries. These are the one’s we have to clearly communicate with those in our life, so they know what they are.
For example, in a relationship we may have to say ‘I feel uncomfortable when you flirt with other people when we are out’. Or perhaps we work for ourselves at home and have to state to our families ‘I am working between these hours and cannot be disturbed’.
The problem with having poor boundaries is it can lead us to feeling disrespected and, on the flip side, unable to recognise or respect the boundaries of others.
A few weeks ago I did an Instagram live with relationship coach Ali Hendry, where we deep dived into this subject, and she defined boundaries as:
‘Boundaries are yours. Imagine you are in a field with a fence around it. You get to say who’s going to come in, who’s not. You define what are your yes’s and no’s, what you are ok with and what you are not.’
It’s important to recognise that boundaries are not rules. Rules are something we impose on someone else, and we cannot control others.
So how do we know if and when healthy boundaries are needed?
Often we don’t know if we have good boundaries or not - we don’t get lessons in this. We can become aware of a lack of them when we get negatively impacted by something, or find life’s not working in the way we want it to.
A lack of boundaries could show up as:
Feeling taken advantage of in certain situations, such as emotionally, financially, or physically.
Always saying ‘yes’ just to please others, even if we don’t want to go somewhere or do something. Or giving in easily to others.
Never getting our own needs met, or engaging in risky or unwanted behaviour to get our needs met.
Feeling disrespected and not standing up for ourself.
Engaging in people-pleasing behaviours in order to be liked and receive approval.
Engaging in disrespectful behaviour that hurts others, that could be shaming, making fun of, or gossiping.
Getting too involved with others’ problems.
Over sharing our personal information with others.
As you can see, poor boundaries not only impact you, they affect how you behave towards others and can cause harm, even if you don’t intend it.
So - how do we set healthy boundaries?
We may have to set different boundaries for different people and in different settings. This could be within the workplace, in friendship groups, with our families, partners, ex-partners, and with our children. You might find you set stricter boundaries at work and more loose ones at home or with family and friends.
Setting healthy boundaries requires some self-awareness. We may blame others for disrespecting us, but when it comes down to it - we are the ones who need to take responsibility and look within. If someone is taking advantage of us – what are we doing to allow it? It does not always mean it’s our fault, yet we are responsible for keeping ourselves safe.
It takes doing some of the deep work first - whether that’s working with a therapist or coach or journaling, meditating or some other therapy or personal development.
Once we take 100% responsibility for ourselves, our lives and happiness, we will naturally start to set those boundaries. We need to get comfortable with saying no, and communicating our needs - and this can take some practice.
A good start would be to:
Respectfully say no to anything you don’t want to do.
Express your feelings clearly and with care. We don’t have to be bullish about it.
Address any problems directly with the person involved, rather than talking about them with someone else.
Making your expectations clear rather than assuming people will figure them out. Sometimes we have to state things, especially if in a new relationship.
Never assume people will just know - we all have different experiences and expectations and what’s ok with one person may not be with someone else.
As we get comfortable with setting boundaries, we might look at the key areas of life where healthy boundaries are needed.
Consider your physical boundaries; your personal space, privacy and body – not everyone likes being hugged and it’s ok to say no.
Sexual boundaries are your expectations with intimacy – although many, including myself, like to explore those boundaries from time to time, you should never feel pressured into anything or afraid to say no.
Intellectual boundaries are all about respecting your thoughts and beliefs – not everyone has to agree with you, but to disregard or dismiss your people’s opinions can leave them feeling shamed or hurt.
Emotional boundaries refers to a person’s feelings – not everyone is comfortable sharing their feelings, and it could take time for someone to open up.
We all have a different relationship with money so it’s important to know your financial boundaries and respect those of others – some people like to spend freely, others save and some don’t like to loan money.
When we get comfortable setting, understanding and communicating our own boundaries, we are much more likely to respect those of others as well – which all makes for healthy relationships.
If you would like to take this work further then I recommend following Nedra Glover Tawwab and reading one of her books, Set Boundaries, Find Inner Peace or Drama Free.