It worked until it didn’t…Why the end of a relationship is NOT a failure.

In a rather clichéd way, as I approached 40, I looked at my life and asked myself - ‘is this it?’

I needed to make some changes, and my marriage was one of them.

There’s something about 40, isn’t there?! Why is it such a pivotal age?

My ex and I were together 24 years! That’s a bloody long time to be with one person. We both did a lot of growing up in that relationship. I was lucky. He’s a good man and looking back over those 24 years, I would say it was a huge success. We achieved so many wonderful things together, including bringing two amazing children into the world – and for that, I will be forever grateful.

Like many breakups, this happened during lockdown. Which gave me a LOT of time to think about what I wanted from a relationship, even if I wanted another relationship.

We are conditioned as girls to seek out marriage, a long-term relationship and start a family… I was obsessed with the idea of a fairy-tale marriage growing up.

“To me it was the epitome of a stable, secure and happy life. I believed finding a man and keeping him forever would solve all my problems” - Feeling Myself

And 24 years later, I am rethinking this whole paradigm!

Maybe I want to be single?

Why is being single so stigmatised? Why is the end of a relationship seen as a failure? Maybe the whole idea of being with one person for your whole life is outdated?

Is it time to normalise having multiple relationships over our lifetimes? Especially since we’re all living a lot longer now. Men have gotten away with this for millennia – I think it’s time we joined the party.

The phrase ‘failed marriage’ is horrific. Partnerships don’t fail just because they end. Things change. People change. It’s ok to want something different now. Why are we stuck in a narrative that a breakup is bad and someone in that relationship is the enemy?

It’s easy to blame the other person when we split up, yet if we look at what we did or didn’t do or could have done better, it leaves room for personal growth. After all, the only thing we have control over is ourselves.

I believe the end of a relationship does not have to be brutal or a battle, especially if there are children involved. You can co-parent, even become friends with your ex. You can raise your children showing them that the person, you once loved so much that you had children with them, is still important to you. Even if it’s not amicable I believe there’s a lot to be said for not allowing the pain and hurt to rule your life, carrying the bitterness around like a heavy backpack.

How about we look at things differently? It worked until it didn’t…

So, let’s stop the pity-party at the end of a relationship. Let’s not stigmatise single people. Let’s embrace change. After all, it’s the only constant thing in life. Maybe longevity isn’t always a good thing? Or the sign of a successful relationship?